Unconventional Diet Tips

In response to 10 Unconventional Diet Tips

What I expected to see from the article.

1. Smoking
I've always heard that one of the side effects of quitting smoking is an increase in appetite, so it only makes sense to me that picking up this new habit will help reduce appetite. Rather than picking up a fork, why not go outside and have a smoke? Find some fellow smokers and turn it into a social. A less effective but lung friendly alternative would be to try out the nicotine patches to get that daily dose. Unfortunately, this may have the opposite effect by allowing the addict to avoid most of the aerobic activity that accompanies the smokers lifestyle. Nonetheless, the increased stimulation and distraction from food might just do the trick. This seems to be a popular weight control method used by young people: http://www.annecollins.com/weight_health/body-image-smoking.htm

2. Crystal Meth
The longer you stay awake the more energy you burn right? Meth addicts are extremely fidgety and are able to stay awake for days on end. I've never seen a meth addict that didn't look like some skinny zombie from a post-nuclear b movie. Ride the snake for two weeks to see the results. I'm pretty sure that this is the cheap stuff that is put into diet pills like the ones the single mother took in Requiem for a Dream. This technique reminds me of the hooker that worked across the street from my first apartment in Calgary. It was quite the freak show watching her put on her jacket, take it off again and repeat the process over and over again. Plus the mind deteriorates so much that the addict doesn't even know they are on a weight loss diet.

3. Stranding oneself on a deserted island
Really there isn't any place left on this planet where you won't be found or die too quickly to make this work. A slightly more modified version on this theme would put the dieter in a poverty stricken country to live in a community filled with starving orphans. Only a severe lack of morals will allow this method to fail.

4. Bubble Gum & Hot Dogs
Cheap and effective. Neither digests that well in the stomach, so eating a plateful every so often should have a similar effect as stapling ones stomach. Plus think of the energy required for all of the chewing required.

5. Boot camp. Join the army
Give up your free will and join the army! The side effects are similar to crystal meth in that you lose much of the control over your own life and a portion of your intelligence. A great low budget diet perfect for those that live in the states. And, now that the states are desperate for new recruits anyone that can manage to stand mostly up right and sign their names can now join.

6. Sterilize your intestinal bacteria
Intestinal bacteria is believed to play a significant roll in the amount of energy that humans absorb in the intestinal tract. Using the right kind of toxic beverages should allow one to kill off enough bacteria to influence your weight. I'm betting a hot glass of moonshine taken daily will do the trick.

7. Tape worms
Critics of this diet claim that you'll end up with a pot belly filled with mucus plus the host will pick up a whole host of other diseases due to lack of vitamins and nutrients the body needs (more info). Actually what the critics fail to realize is that these are all just side effects that need to be taken into consideration. In some small hillbilly towns it might be cool to be pregnant and now the dieter can lose weight and fake a pregnancy at the same time. And of course, once enough weight has been lost a quick trip to the hospital might do the trick.

These methods while unconventional and damaging, may actually be healthier than weighing 300+ pounds.
Ride the snake all the way to marginally improved health today!